My Crystal Ball Is Broke

This is a true story. All of the names, except two, have been changed because the author is too lazy to secure permissions.

As I settled down in the chair of my new office at the Detroit Branch of Cutter-Houston Technology Consulting Firm, I had reservations about whether this first day would go smoothly.


So far, the morning has been much more calm and easy than I expected. I expected Craig to be hostile and uncooperative, but instead he has been distant and quiet.

In fact the only words he has said to me this morning were, “I have moved all of my stuff out of here. This office is yours. I will be working in the conference room. If you need anything have Sharon call me.”

Sharon is the secretary of the Detroit Branch of Cutter-Houston Technology Consulting Firm’s Vice President Tim LaChev. Under Tim, the Detroit Branch employs Sharon, his secretary, three admin assistants, Craig Hanks the office manager that I’m replacing, two recruiters, two sales people and twenty-four contract programmers who are spread all over Detroit at nine client sites.

Three of those sites are at Ford buildings, two are at General Motors, one at Chrysler, and one is at American Motors.

I just completed a 14 month project leading a 12 person team of contract programmers plus three of the client’s employees at American Motors.

Last Wednesday, Craig called me into the office to talk about my next assignment. He was not very polite, and demanded my appearance because American Motors had called him and told him that they offered me the lead position on a new two-year project that starts Monday, meaning today.

I told them I could not accept the project because I was quitting Cutter-Houston and since they were Cutter-Houston’s clients and I cannot work with them for at least a year.

They offered to have me come in under a competitor’s contract but I told them although I will probably join that competitor, I would not feel right coming back before the one-year non-compete clause of my contract with Cutter-Houston expired.

Wednesday’s meeting was not very long. It started with Craig saying, “Tim told me to tell you that we’re prepared to give you a three dollar per hour raise, plus a $2,000.00 sign-up bonus if you sign a one-year contract, regardless of whether or when we place you at any billable client.”

Although those terms were extravagant for June of 1978, they were also somewhat déjá vu.

In June of 1975, I was in the Air Force, stationed at the Pentagon as a staff sergeant, when I graduated from American University with a Bachelor of Sciences in Computer Systems Applications.

In mid July, my squadron commander called me in and told me, “Sarge, you know there’s new laws about re-upping. Now that Vietnam is over you have to apply to re-enlist at least 30 days before your discharge. But if you sign up today, we’ll back date the paper work and slide it straight through. Plus, we’ll give you a $2,000.00 sign-up bonus. And since you now have your degree, we’ll send you to the Officer’s Training School and start you as a first lieutenant. With your six-and-a-half years of service we’ll be skipping over the starting second lieutenant rank.”

Fortunately, I’ve learned the futility of burning bridges and giving these fools reasons to make these last few weeks of my Air Force career even more repugnant.

Apparently I delayed responding too long as the Captain interjected, “Look Howey, you gotta know that times out there are not great right now and if you get out into the civilian world, you may find it difficult to find a job and make ends meet. And once you’re discharged you cannot apply for re-enlistment for at least six months.”

And now, after two and a half years of him first looking at my rank and then my name tag on my uniform and addressing me as Sergeant Howington, he wants to drag himself down to my level and be friends by calling me “Howey.”

He said, “Like I said, if we sign the papers now, we can back date them so that there won’t be any discharge. And instead of being unemployed, you’ll be drawing officer’s pay and you’ll be half-way to a full officer’s retirement package.”

If I became an officer, I could not go to flight training because I’m partially color blind. So that means the highest rank I could reach at twenty years is full Colonel.

I’m not going tell him that I have already been offered a salary at $20,000.00 above what a 20-year Colonel makes and that job starts the day after my discharge with a 10 day full pay vacation.

I said, “Captain, I appreciate what you’re offering me, and I know how much your climbing out on a limb to falsify those documents. But I just can’t let you guys stretch your necks out like that for me. No, I’m going to just let my enlistment run out to my discharge.”

Apparently, while I relived that experience, Craig was also waiting and he interjected, “Okay. Tim told me that if you didn’t accept this offer, then Mike said I was to ask you what would it take to keep you in the company.”

Mike Cutter is the half-owner and President of this Dallas based company.

My thought was, “He doesn’t really want to hear the answer to that question. None of them do.”

But then I thought, “Wait! Why do you care what they want? Stop making this so hard on yourself and holding back. He asked, tell him and be honest.”

I slowly and carefully said, “The company does not have enough money to entice me to stay. One of my biggest faults and problems comes from the fact that I just don’t care about money and I’m not motivated by money.”

He said, “So, why are you quitting? Tim and Mike both have said that with your skills, we can easily and quickly place you anywhere on any technical project you want.

“And we are ready to start paying you for the technical interviews you support recruiting with. And now we will pay for every time you accompany sales to a client and every time you handle a complaint from one of our field people.

“Tim and Mike said we need you. So, what will it take to keep you here?”

I waited long enough to be sure he was getting uncomfortable with the way I was glaring at him then said, “Okay. I’ll tell you why, but you don’t want to hear it. The reason I leaving is very much the same reason I left the Air Force.”

“You guys hired me to lead teams to provide clients with software solutions for their applications. But, just like with the officers in the Air Force, what I had to spend most of my time on is doing the officers’, and you managers’, job. I’m not going to continue working for you, doing your job, and mediating between you and everyone you piss off or you break promises to.”

This time it was me that broke the long silence. “So, are we done here? Do you have any other questions?”

He jerked his head, blinked and said, “Huh? Yeah. Exactly what do you want me to tell Tim that it will take to keep you in the company?”

I was getting impatient and no longer cared about being polite or respectful. So I wasn’t very careful going about choosing my words when I said, “I’ll tell you what it will take. I won’t work under you and not even with you. I will only come back to take your job as your replacement.”

Again, there was a long pause. So I just got up and started to leave.

Before I could get to the door, Sharon called out, “Mike, could you wait just a minute. Tim wants talk to you and we need little information for your final paycheck. He’s on the phone with Mike Cutter in Dallas and will be with you in just a short.”

It was just a few short minutes until Sharon lead me into Tim’s office.

After Tim invited to sit, he said, “Mike, I was listening in, over the phone, during your meeting with Craig and just now I conferred with Mike Cutter about it. He had earlier said he wanted to talk with you after our meeting. But after our discussion, he decided I should just tell you that if have any questions, we can call him back.”

I kept my mouth shut and silently berated myself for allowing my right eyebrow to rise.

Tim said, “Now, I run the Detroit office and don’t need Mike’s permission for anything. But one thing I can’t do is fire Craig. Criag is Mike’s brother-in-law and Mike is calling him right now to let him know what we’re about to talk about.”

“First, I understand your concerns about working for Craig and want you to know that you never worked for Craig, You worked for the Company and if you continue you will work directly under me.”

“As for your taking Craig’s job, you got it if you want it. I would like to rehire you effective today and you decide when you want to start and you decide how long Craig will stay on as your assistance to turn everything over to you.”

“We’ll start you out as a full time employee at a rate that equals $1,000.00 more than what you made this past year, including your overtime. When you go out to the field to meet and treat our field technicians, we can give you a car or reimburse you on mileage and you’ll get the full management benefits package. You will never have to fill out a billable time sheet again and when you train, it will be right here in conference room two.”

“I’d like to start you today, but you tell me when can you start.”

I took in a deep breath and said, “Okay. How about Monday? And I don’t need Criag.”

“Craig will be here through Wednesday to answer your questions, show you around, and give you any and all assistance you need. Longer if you want.”

Like I said, that was last week and up to now it’s been pretty quiet here. But, this morning’s peace seems to be short lived. Craig stormed into my office and threw three paychecks onto my desk.

“Alright, smart guy. These three hot heads are about to explode. Let’s see how you handle this. All three of these nerdy hot heads are going to explode on Friday when their checks get delivered without their pay raises on them.”

“Now, you get to call that witch down in Dallas payroll to tell her she screwed up and to get it fixed.”

“All three of these guy’s went from $29 per hour to $30.50 per hour effective on the first. Here’s the payroll roster. All the check’s we got are in Tim’s safe, the rest are being mailed from Dallas.”

With that he stormed out, dodging Sharon on his way.

Sharon smiled at me and said, “Do you want me to send him back in here to tell you what is supposed to be done before you deliver paychecks to your teams out in the field on Friday? Or would you rather I just help you with all that?”

“By all means, please come in and help me. Don’t saddle me with him.”

Sharon put stacks of stuff on my desk, then pulled a chair beside me, sat and said, “The first thing is to compare this payroll roster with these time sheets. I notice he didn’t sign the last page, so I’m not sure he finished that.”

She continued, “When you finish reviewing it sign the last page. And when you return it to me, I will notify Tim and begin calling to tell the guys what time to expect you at their sites. Before that we need to talk. Craig should drive you to their sites to show you where introduced you to everyone with your new title. But if you want Craig gone by then, one of the sales people or Tim will do it. But I’d like to suggest that you ask Tim to have me take you.”

I said, “I’d like that, but only under two conditions: 1) Only after I make sure Tim doesn’t have a problem with that, and 2) only if you will let me buy you lunch while we’re out to properly thank you for all your doing to get me going in here.”

She said, “Actually, 1) Tim has a different lunch scheduled for Friday and he told me to suggest this and Friday is to be your ‘Welcome to Management’ lunch and Tim doesn’t want Craig to host that; 2) since your corporate credit card won’t get here until maybe Friday, but probably Monday, then whoever takes you around will buy lunch and you have a reservation at 1:30 at Highlands on the 71st floor of the GM Renaissance Center overlooking the Detroit River.”

“Okay, then. I look forward to having you buy my lunch on Friday.”

She said, “Alright. Now, these times sheets are in the same alphabetical order as the payroll roster. We have copies in their respective clients’ folders that were sent to billing.”

“Now, those three things he threw down aren’t checks, they’re copies of paycheck stubs for our files. And those are not supposed to leave this office. Maybe by your handling them this time, it may be the first time in years that we don’t come up missing some.”

Two hours later we had confirmed that all seventy-three employees had proper checks matching their time reporting and the three in question were paid according to the rate in their files, but not their new raises.

Sharon said, “Well, the only way this is going to get resolved is through Phyllis, the payroll manager in Dallas. She has said she won’t talk to Craig. And three months ago, she sent a letter saying that unless he can be polite and professional he is not to call her on the phone again. And something about criminally rude and abusive use of telecommunications. And our President, Mike Cutter, added his signature with a P.S. that said Craig is forbidden to ever call Phyllis directly.”

She asked, “So, do you want me to call her?”

“No. Get me these three personnel files and call Phyllis and politely ask her for an appointment this afternoon for a telephone meeting with me. And get me the direct dial number for her desk. Please.”

At three-thirty the phone that I dialed rang twice and then I heard, “Phyllis Boemer.”

“Hello Ms. Boemer, this is Mike Howington, I’m the new Detroit Office Technical …”

She interrupted, “Phyllis. Call me Phyllis. And I know who you are. And I know why your calling. And let me save you some time by just telling you what you want to know.”

She paused and I waited.

“You want to know why that witch in Dallas screwed up some paychecks.”

This time I paused because I didn’t know which way to go from here.

She said, “You tell Craig, that those checks are wrong because my crystal ball is broke, and I can’t read his mind.”

She paused, I guess for emphasis. Then continued, “As I told Craig before, I process pay for about 450 hourly people across 18 different states and even if I wanted to, I can’t change their checks just on his word. He knows the forms that he has to submit and knows that his signature doesn’t mean diddly. He knows any changes have to have Tim’s signature and that I don’t change anything until I get the form showing my boss’ signature, Frank Swanson the Chief Finance officer.”

Wow. This doesn’t sound like a woman I should upset.

I said, “Phyllis, I can certain understand any enmity between you and Craig. And I hope you and I can work together in a lot more friendly atmosphere. Can you fax me all the forms I need to process a pay raise for three of my people, backdated to the first?”

“Yes. There are two forms. I can fax them right after I hang up. Copy three sets. Fill them out, sign them, have Tim sign them. Sharon will make two copies for your office and fax them to me. Try to get them back to me before 4:30.”

I said, “Thank you. Do you need anything else from me.”

She said, “Nope.”

“Okay. Thanks again. And I’m sorry we had to meet under such strained circumstances. I hope the rest of your day goes better.”

She said, “Thank you.”

I said, “No, thank you. And if you need anything just call me directly, anytime.”

Click. She hung up.

Two hours later Sharon came in with three set of forms completely filled out and said, “Please look these over and if they’re alright sign them, then I’ll take them in to Tim for signature and then fax them.”

Forty-five minutes later I was irritated as my phone rang because of a direct call from outside the office system.

“Cutter-Houston, Mike Howington.”

“Hi Mike, this Phyllis in Dallas. I figured the shortages and before I take them into Frank, I wanted to talk to you. The last time Craig pulled this stunt, he said to add the differences into their next checks. Then when those two quit, he told my boss that he had asked for supplementary checks and I had told him ‘no’.”

“He demanded that I be fired. But I’m not as dumb as he thinks I am. I had learned from prior encounters with Craig and I gave Frank the recordings from all his calls to me. That’s why Craig can’t call me directly now.”

I asked, “Phyllis, is this call being recorded?”

“No. I can’t do that anymore unless I tell you up front that it’s being recorded. And I’m not doing that because I wanted to have this conversation off-the-record.”

“Really. Why?”

“Mike. Your name is known all over the country and everyone down here in corporate is talking about how much Mike and Tim are grooming you for big moves upward. There’s even a pool betting about where you are going to open a new branch and when. And you’ve only been with the firm less than two years. I want to make sure we don’t get off to a rough start. I’d like to become your friend.”

Hmm. This sounds interesting. I pictured her smiling at me. I like it when pretty girls smile at me.

She continued. “Now, corporate policy is pay adjustments and payouts are to have to have their paperwork completed and approved and then the checks can be mailed two weeks after that. I know that is not going to make you happy. We’ve all heard how you told Tim that the one thing we can’t do is mess with or delay your paychecks and I assume that you feel that way about the field people you’re now managing.”

She said, “Okay Mr. Howington, in order to do that I will have walk these requests through Frank’s approval. Then work overtime tonight to get the figures through accounting and check print requests in. Frank will have to approve the overtime. Then I’ll walk the checks through Mike’s office for signature, then take them to the post office for overnight special delivery to you. You should know that in last
Friday’s staff meeting we were all told that this corporate office must do whatever it takes to support you in your new role.”

“Really. That’s what you heard?”

She said,
“Yeah. My buddies in personnel tell me everyone is positioning to align themselves with your rising star.”

“So, do you think you can actually make this happen that quickly?”

“Only if you’ll stop jawing and let me get to it quickly.”

“Phyllis. Thank you. I greatly appreciate your support and let me know what I can do to help or anything you need.”

“Your welcome. Goodbye.” – Click. She hung up.

Hmm. That was abrupt.

The next morning, I waited until 11:15 to call Phyllis. I have some guy coming in for a technical interview at 1:00 and I know the recruiter will want my time for a couple of hours after that. And Bill wants me to go with him to a new client sales call later this afternoon.
I have a call to the Milwaukee office for another technical interview at 4:00.
So, this morning may be my only chance to talk with Phyllis today.

As I reached for the phone it buzzed and Tina’s voice said, “Mike, Phyllis at corporate is on line three.”

“Hello, Phyllis. I was just about to call you.”

She said, “I know.”

“Oh? So your crystal ball is working now?”

“No. But I just knew you were thinking of me. Just like I know you were thinking of me last night from about eleven to one. You kept me awake waiting for you to call, but I finally realized you don’t have my home number so I gave up and went to sleep. So, this morning I decided I wasn’t going to let you keep me waiting, I’d just call you.”

“How did you know I was thinking of you?”

She said, “So, you were, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well. I don’t need a crystal ball to know that.”

I repeated, “So, how did you know I was thinking of you?”

She said, “I don’t know. It’s probably because I was thinking of you at the same time.”

I cautiously said, “Okay.” And I was thinking that I needed to calm down
and keep this professional.

She chuckled and said, “Don’t worry you can’t say anything that would upset me and I kinda like this connection we seem to have. Now getting back to business. Yes, I got the checks figured and Frank just approved the check writing. I plan on taking them to Mike for signature right after he gets back from lunch. I’ll take them to the post office this afternoon.”

I said, “Wow, woman. Can you read my mind?”

She said, “No. But the more we connect it seems I just feel like I know you better.”

I said, “So, just how do we connect and how can you feel that you know me.”

She said, “Come on buster, if you don’t know that, I’m not going to explain it to you. Besides, you don’t need to tell me that
you feel the connection too, ‘cause I already know that. And I don’t need a crystal ball for that.”

She continued, “Just like I know that we both have too much to do right now so we’re going to hang up now and you’re going to call me right at 5:00 when we’re both alone in the office. And I’ll give you my home number then so you can call me about 10:30 and we can pillow talk. Bye.”

Click and she was gone.

But not for long.

That’s the true story of my first conversations with the woman who has been my wife since June of 1979.

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The End

For my bimonthly reading at the senior center last Thursday, I read my short story entitled “My Crystal Ball is Broke.” It was very well received and I was told I should publish it. So, I posted here.

The seniors correctly guessed that the two names that were not changed were Mike Howington and Phyllis Boemer, mine and my wife’s maiden names. The cover photo is of her. She sent it to me two weeks after we “met” as described in the above story. From the day I got that picture, I quit calling her Phyllis and I call her “Pretty Girl.”